October 8, 2009

He likes me. He likes me not.

I hate not knowing what decisions to make in life whether it be in school, choosing orders at my favorite fast food restaurants, picking out an outfit for the day, or relationships. Ahhh relationships. What joys they are. It bugs the hell outta me because I made a terrible TERRIBLE mistake earlier last year with a previous ex of mine and I refuse to go down that path again with whoever will be my next boyfriend. However at the same time, knowing how I am with guys, I can't get attached to one that is boyfriend material because eventually I'll start loosing my head over them all over again, start making irrational decisions, and causing history to repeat itself all in the name of "love". Several months has past since that bad relationship but I still can't fully convince myself that I'm 100 percent over him just yet and it makes me go insane since he clearly is. I've tried getting rid of every single last memorabilia of him by deleting his number from my phone, blocking him from all of my online accounts that he knew of and so much more and yet the passion still lingers somehow. Personally, I feel it's punishment for not listening to so many people who warned me this would happen, including my own conscience. Regardless of that, what happened back then will sadly never change for me even though I want it to immensely so focusing on the present is where I'm at.

I was just watching this anime and one of the characters said "...in order to forget about an old love, you find a new love. You should completely immerse yourself in it. If that new love is ture, then that old love will naturally become part of the past. It's not that you can fall in love with someone new
because you forgot the old...It's because you fall in love with someone new that you're able to forget about the old. Only love can heal a heart that was hurt by love." I know it's just an anime, but it has some truth to it. A lot of anime shows have extremely insightful advice regarding several areas which is why I take that into consideration. Either I stay in this same situation that I'm in now for the next several months or move on with my life and continue living like my heart was never torn apart. Love is tougher than I used to think it was. Trying to figure out who's honest and who's not. Trying to figure out whether or not that special someone is really meant for you. Trying to figure out that you two will ultimately end up having a future together. It all makes me just want to have psychic powers to snuff out all the losers in order to find my soulmate. But talking like this at such a ripe age is a little crazy, I get that, but you can't help but be curious about these things especially when romance is constantly thrown in your face on a daily basis. I have a ton of things to say about love and what I think about it but I should really end this here for now. Let's just cross our fingers things will go well for me. Same goes to you reading this.

ご幸運を祈ります。Good luck!

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