November 12, 2009

Who am I?

Have you ever asked yourself this question before? Of course you know your basic information like your name/age/favorite color and so on but do you really know what type of person you are in this world?

How people view you in society either as a friend, a family member, a student, a co-worker, and so on?

Have you ever noticed while asking yourself this that you're unsure because there's so many different parts that make up who you are? Kind of like a puzzle. No matter how different one piece may look from another, they're still part of something that completes a much bigger picture

My friend Mika and I were talking about how we both shared the same thing. She and I have several different kinds of personalities and ways of acting around people. I don't really fully understand why it is that way. Part of me thinks it's to please others by not having them feel uncomfortable with my wackiness. The other part thinks it's because I am simply unsure of who I am so I'm experimenting with different ways to act around other groups of people to decide which one feels more right. For as long as I can remember, I still don't know which one suits me best so I can run with it.

Something tells me that it's me just wanting to please others around me. I hate being looked at as someone who's being the wrong kind of crazy. However I feel like that is partially who I am. Not necessarily out of control for crying out loud but lovable, energetic, opinionated, and so forth. That is who I am on the inside and who I've always been but for years I've been hiding it and it's finally starting to drive me nuts to where I want to reveal who I truly am to the world. I originally had this goal to change throughout high school...heh, who doesn't right? I wanted to be who I wanted to be regardless of how anyone view me as. Someone strong, bold, and a role model to anyone who had to go through similar experiences I did in my past (too deep. I'll save that for another blog -___-;). Sadly, I'm not completely where I hoped I would be and although I know I still have a little more time until I finish high school, at this rate I can't see myself doing it because of my insecurities and low self-esteem.

There's so many reasons why I block myself from being who I really am and I'm sure there's several people who have the same problem out there, but my question is how the hell do you get overcome this? I seriously would like to know because there's so many people that simply tell me not to care what people think and yada yada yada but HOW? Without feeling embarrassed? Without feeling like you're some kind of freak? Without feeling like you have to constantly explain why you do the things you do so that they'll still find you acceptable? These unknown questions are just a few of the many I have encountered in my lifetime. If anyone can help, I'd like to hear what you have to say. If you can relate, I'd like to hear what you have to say. I just need people to talk to that really gets it and not someone who brushes off what I have to say like this is a phase that I'll eventually get over after a matter of a week or something.

N i g h t おやすみ~

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