December 7, 2010

CONFIDENCE: Who I am irl . . .

Before I went to kingergarten, I was the most popular kid in my school! I had so many friends and to this day I remember all of them wanted to fight over who was going to be my best friend. Those were the days when things like image and constant paranoia weren't even apart of my world. Not until right before I went to kindergarten with obnoxiously huge hideous glasses and braids (plats) that weren't so much in style. Let's not forget that I was the awkward odd black girl who spoke without using Ebonics and had fun learning in all my classes. It didn't help I later became apart of the Talented and Gifted program either and I was the only black student in it out of my entire school at the time. That only made me more of a target for humiliation and ridicule. This along with other circumstances was the beginning of the destruction of my confidence. I'm sure everyone has a story of their own from their childhood not to different from my own. Everyone has memories that will probably haunt them forever. Things that probably took place several years ago you wish hadn't and can only leave you wondering, what would life be like if it didn't?

The point of this post is I think it's crucial for me to start having confidence again if I want to become better at the gyaru style...or if I want to become a happier person in general. But I guess since my blog is geared towards gal, I'll kind of relate this to that as well. It's pretty similar to the post I made earlier but I'm going more in depth here because I've just done a lot of thinking after reading some things in various gyaru communities.

Seriously, if you meet me irl, I'm not necessarily the absolute shyest individual you'll ever meet but I'm definitely not one to be the center of attention. Thing is, I know it's in me deep down especially since I'm pushing my limit by being in visual arts. But unfortunately, after years of being teased growing up in elementary school (more than any other part of my life) and several other situations that has traumatized me enough to believe I am never going to be the best me that I can be, it's incredulously difficult to pull that back out.

Sometimes there are days when I feel like I'm looking decent and on a scale between 1 to 10, I put myself at a 6 or 7 at best. RARELY will I ever go as high as an 8! But I want to stop being so paranoid and self conscious about myself and what others, friends and family included, think of what's on the exterior of who I am. I know it's human nature to judge, so there's no way I can change that. I know it has to be within myself and that's what I feel needs to happen for me to actually call myself gal without hesitating or giving it so much thought. And to be perfectly honest, right now...I'm not gal as I type this post. And on a daily basis, I wear semi-fashionable outfits in comparison to the coords I see on western gal blogs like Sara Mari, Emi Marie, or Vivi (Cupcake Couture) to name a few. Why? Because they probably have far more confidence than me.

& it's not like I have no sense of fashion or I can't perfect myself to be as good as them. I have the skills and ability to do so if I continue to try harder! But it all comes down to my will power and tolerance for the public and how hard they will come down on me. I know this style for the most part but actually getting out there and DOING it is more than difficult. I've even tried taking baby steps but then I always revert to my old boring ways of being "safe" and not taking those bold steps a true gal would. Sometimes I blame my area. Maybe people here are the reason why I feel this way? Or maybe I just need to have more green to look more gal, then I could finally start dressing as such. Excuses upon excuses run through my insecure little head causing me to ultimately NEVER get to show my passion for this style in the real world.

I would like to add that it's not like I'm writing all this to fish for compliments by anyone of my followers either. You all are such sweet people and as such, I'm sure you would want to tell me or any of your friends if they were saying any of this that they are more than what they think they are but that sometimes isn't enough especially in my case, though I appreciate your kind intentions. I'm a little worried because idk what it's going to take to get my self-esteem where I want it to be :( Posting pictures and videos isn't a huge problem for me surprisingly though. People's opinions on the web don't mean as much to me if they're negative because, let's face it, they would probably never say things like that directly to your face and if they do they would be in for a rude awakening. Which is why in person, it's on a whole different level! I don't want to feel like that anymore! I can't help but consider myself to be just an internet gal, because that's what I am! As I say this, so much guilt and shame flood my emotions thinking of all the people that look up to me in the gyaru community. I don't think there's a lot, but even if it's just one person, I feel like I've not only cheated them, but I've cheated myself in the long run.

Who am I to pretend to be someone I'm not?? I'm not going to say that this is the end of my journey to become gyaru because I AM NOT A QUITTER! However, this by far the greatest obstacle I think any gal can face, not having confidence. If you even have a little that's better than not having any at all but it won't get you recognized if that's what you're aiming for. It needs to be, from what I've noticed, exploding out of you! In both your internet persona AND real life. I respect those that walk out their house with their heads held high wearing sexy or cute gyaru outfits AND have bomb big curly gal hair AND have fantastic make up AND deco nails. My would that be awesome to do one day. So all in all, I guess I just wanted to vent out this through a post because:

One. I didn't want to lie to myself anymore or anyone else about this. It just isn't fair.
Two. I want to look back on this and remember my struggle so I can continue fighting my insecurities.
Three. I could use some serious advice on what I should do. I haven't gone into deep discussion with this to anyone in a long time and I figured if I hear advice from anyone it would do me some good.

I'm risking a lot saying all of this because clearly my blog is where lurkers are now stealing things from but even so, I think it's worth putting out there. If anyone wants to childishly use this against me, be my guest. To use something like this as a way to hurt someone is such a punk move. Just remember that God is always watching.

Thank you all for taking the time to read this ridiculously long post. I'll be back to talk about something less depressing later in the week. Bye!

11 comments :

  1. Hm...This was a very purging post, dear.
    Well, I think we all have issues with our confidence from time to time, It's just a matter of getting over it. I know with me, I'm paranoid about how I look 26/7 but there comes a point where I'm like, "Y'know, I'm tired of that feeling." So from there I just doing think about how others view me. Like the other day I did my make up very differently from my regular style and it felt like everyone was staring at me oddly. But one of my friends told me that you think you look worse than what others think. So, maybe if you start saying that you look like a freakin gazillion on a scale of one to 100 it'll be a good starting point.
    I hope you don't get that confused and think I'm saying you have to...act like you're the isht and brag about it to anyone, you just have to brag to yourself xD

    Wow...this was a long comment xD I really hope I said something to at least get you thinking about ways to get over your [lack of] confidence :3

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  2. i really do admire you for posting this.
    one of my insecurities is posting personal stuff like this i'll get over it soon tho.
    i suggest you take it day by day
    try something new you probably wouldn't try
    every week till you reach the level of confidence you want
    and about it maybe being your area.
    that sometimes could be the case , Surround your
    self with new people who maybe like to be as bold as you? i know it may seem hard to find these people but truts me they are there.

    hoped i heleped a litte!

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  3. @Starrla: It's purely for advice, otherwise I wouldn't have posted this at all for people to see and judge me without any helpful words of advice, but thank you. Actually my best friends who I don't see all the time are the wildest bunch of people I know so they would probably learn to accept me but again, it's just the thought of them possibly rejecting me for it. But then again the other day I showed them my internatinal mamba picture and got both positive and negative feedback so eh i guess that's getting somewhere.

    @Truffle: You're right. I was doing good with the method of telling myself I look good no matter what people thought and believed it for a short while but then somewhere along the way I lost that train of thought and figured I should just keep my look safer. I'll just keep doing it, but in a more extreme way.

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  4. I really want to commend you for sharing your story with your readers. Thank you!

    I think your on your way to improving your self confidence. Your realistic, your not in denial and your honest.

    I actually think you have a healthy self esteem. All I can advise is to keep documenting your triumphs. Don't keep comparing yourself to other Gyaru, write your own story, go at your own pace.

    Seriously ask yourself, what YOU CAN DO to get that self esteem to where you want it. You labeled them as excuses but your just trying to figure out what to do, and you'll never know until you try. Don't ask us, ask yourself.

    Don't base your progress on how many positive compliments you get or gaining approval from others in the Gal community. Your just going to set yourself up to be let down.

    remember no matter how mentally healthy you are, your always going to go through bouts of low self esteem, depression, insecurity, sadness. People with healthy self-esteem just generally bounce back faster.

    I wish you all the luck Gal. I hope I helped some how because your story helped me :D

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  5. This is the reason why you are so inspiring to me! I just love the way you are and your ideas and it makes me so happy to be able to know and talk to someone like you because you encourage me to be a stronger person. it may sound odd but I really do truly look up to you alot. I enjoy watching your videos and reading your posts because you're so beautiful and strong and different and you make me want to be that way too. Keep it up because I'm sure you've helped so many girls just by being who you are.I never would have known that you would have confidence issues but then again everyone does and I commend you for having a brave face and a positive attitude. I just want you to know regardless of what you think of yourself you are an idol to me and my friends. We were like freaking out when you talked to us because we knew how popular you were over the net and in these communities you've had an impact on our lives.Everyone gets down it's understandable but I just want you to know there's so many people out there that you've reached just by being yourself. T^T I got tearful lol

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  6. Len, holy crap...Jesus Almighty girl! Haha that one was a tear jerker!

    Thanking you all for replying to this doesn't feel like it would be enough to express my thanks. It put a lot of things in perspective for me and I feel so motivated to improve now! It's still strange hearing that anyone thinks of me as an idol of some sort or even inspiration but I promise to be the best erm, role model I guess you can say for you guys! I don't want to let you down, or myself so I'm gunna give it my all this time and I mean it! I talked to my sister and close friends and they all support my decision so there's really no turning back now.

    Here goes nothing.

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  7. Your basically just like me.
    shy , confidence , now im on the stage of "shruds/okay" I really do not care anymore.

    But before anything One....no naked photos.

    Nawh im joking.
    I will like to state though you are one of the reasons that I am interested in gyaru or maybe will take part of it. In my own corner of course, no communities and posting outside my journal till i am comfy to step out my home.....great I forgot what I was going to say. Burn notice distracted me. I guess you know where it was going...hopefully.

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  8. @Glee: Omg I would never take newds xP That's just flat out stupidity imho.

    But seriously? I wouldn't have guessed O.O But that's a great way to do it! I honestly should have done the same but I guess my eagerness to get out there was too much for me to wait any longer.

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  9. When I went to Japan I saw lots of gyaru's but
    I also saw some girls that had a bit of
    the gyaru style but kinda had it toned down...
    They were all together walking in Shibuya.
    Some were super over the top amazing gyarus
    and others were toned down ones...
    Maybe you can mix & match dramatic pieces
    with more simple things...such as simpler hair styles
    and create your own look.
    That might allow you to feel more comfy
    with the look. I dont know if you think thats
    kind of ... boring ... HAHA
    But just a suggestion ^ ^
    Also - You are sooo lucky to be so cute and skinny
    I exercise my bum off and Im a vegetarian I still am chubby
    Lmao ! So be happy for that
    Heehee : )

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  10. Girlie, you reminded me of myself when i read this! It almost brought me to tears because i kind of went through the same situation. Just know that things will get better! And the best way to get better is to not care. I know it sounds questionable XD! But once you get to that point where you dont care about what others think about you, you'll find that life is so much easier and clearer without the paranoia! I am 100% behind you in this because while you're getting that self-confidence back, other girls will get theirs back through your help too!

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  11. @Kawaii Nails: That's an idea but I think if I want to be at my goal of being more extreme I should probably do more of gal instead of incorporating it into my simple daily outfits. That's kind of what I've been doing which is why I wrote this post initially. But that is a good idea for those who aren't willing to go full throttle with this.

    @Rindy: Aww! Didn't want to make anyone cry! Tbh, I've actually had a different outlook on the world over the past few days since I wrote this. I didn't think a mere blog post would change me not to mention all of these thoughtful and encouraging comments from you all. I'm not going to stop here, that's for sure!

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Thoughts? Opinions? Leave 'em below, I'd love to hear it!