I am sorry for the lack of posts blah blah blah okay now that we're past that, I know that it seems like a lot of people I follow have been going through some tough times. Just thought I'd let them know that they are not alone at all as I too am experiencing a lot of different struggles of my own. Allow me to explain what has been going on with me these past few weeks.
A little over a month ago I started my semester at UTD after graduating with my Associates last semester however, it has been far from easy or exciting for that matter. I'm only taking 2 courses right now but I am struggling so badly and it's sad because going from doing so well one semester to doing so poorly kills my self-esteem. It doesn't help that all of my classmates are fucking geniuses. I guarantee you that if you walked the same places I have around campus, you will find the common conversations between the students here always involve chemistry, biological or mathematical topics. Not saying they're bad people, I just feel extremely out of place to put it simply as the semester continues. I feel highly inadequate to others because it seems their background on sciences far surpasses mine. The likelihood of me being poorly prepared to start university is seeming more and more higher...or at least at this one considering everyone calls this school the geek univeristy of the metroplex. I'm thinking UNT might have been a better option for me but then again who really knows. Maybe being a bio major isn't the right choice. I talked to my sister about it and she asked me if I felt excited to take any classes for my prereqs and I honestly am not. I just want to skip all this and go straight to grad school but I know that is not going to ever be the case. I gotta also admit that this might have a lot to do with my lack of motivation for academic achievement right now than anything else because I know I can do better than what I have been doing but I just don't put in much effort. Like right now as I type this post I should be studying but I'm not. If I don't major in science, I honestly don't know where else to go. I blog and have a Youtube channel but that's about it. I don't possess any real talent like some people do so I am a bit worried about my future right now.
Another thing is I have been feeling rather disconnected with the gal in general. I said this briefly in another post a while back about how I didn't want to fully submit myself to being just gal but now I am becoming more and more certain of it. It could be because of a few things but I can't really explain it without confusing you, but it just doesn't seem to be of a top priority anymore and it's been like that for a while. I mean I always am into the fashion and inspired by elements that make up a gal like make up, hair, nails, etc but to be committed to that one style to where people refer to me as a gal I just don't know anymore if that's what I want. I honestly am considering quitting the BGC to just focus on myself more too because I really don't think the viewers on that channel appreciate my videos from what I have observed so there's no point in uploading there anymore when no one cares. Oh well, I tried to bring support to where I thought was needed but if the targeted audience does not acknowledge that then there's not much I can do. I just do not give a fuck anymore tbh. I love all of the members, just not the idea of being apart of it like I was. They'll do fine without me I'm sure.
If you follow me on my tumblr then you may have guessed that there's been some trouble in paradise. Kevin and I were having a really rough time in our relationship recently. He's had this job for the past 7-8 months now but they have been scheduling him to come in every single day for the last 4 weeks and it killed me because rarely did I get to see him and he had no time for himself. He helps to pay the bills, so that's why he works so much but still...It's tough going from seeing your boyfriend once to twice a week to maybe once every 2 weeks if you're lucky. It's not even so much that as to how much I know he would rather not have to work all the time. Even though we both started going to UTD together, we don't see each other for long the days we have classes because after class he has to go to work. Anyway, I was that nagging girlfriend for a long time because of it and I'm sure it made him annoyed but I did it out of my concern for him as I later explained. We were supposed to go see a dragon dance for CNY but that didn't happen because he had to work. We were supposed to go on a nice boat ride for Valentines night but we missed it because his job let him off too late. After that, we did nothing but stay quietly frustrated at the situation till I finally went home. I just wanted to spend time with him and although he bought me roses, a teddy bear, and a pearl necklace, I would have rather just been with him more than anything else. He literally could have just given me the card and that would have done it for my valentines day. Seriously, I'm good as long as I'm with him but he missed that point entirely because of work. We had a heavy talk over the phone the same night and I never cried so much over him or any guy for that matter but I think I got through to him on just how serious my point was. We were also supposed to see each other on several different occasions but it never followed through because of his fucking job. I was told by my best friend, mom and sister that I should be patient and more understanding and will probably hear the same shit from more people but if you have ever loved Kevin the way I have, you will understand where I am coming from. If not, then it doesn't surprise me that they are making it seem so simple to do. There's more to the story than I am mentioning but let's not add more length to this post than there already is. He finally says that his schedule is changing and I kind of believe him since we got to spend most of the day with each other on Monday because of it so maybe things are looking up. Time will tell, but I don't want you guys to think we're on the brink of ending it. It's just an obstacle that we had to overcome together I suppose...it was a tough son of a bitch but we are almost coming out of it okay I believe.
Lastly, my laptop has been acting funky as of late. I sent it to the shop on Monday and it should be done by tomorrow to be fixed. I have to re-install all of my software because I am sure they are going to do a system restore on it :/ I did back up my files luckily though to my external hard drive so when I get it back I will try to edit my hair video and a few other vids I have in store. I also went shopping the other day to buy prizes for the contest I will be hosting soon. It's going to be so fucking fun but I just need to get this school work thing situated first before anything else. I can't afford to fail. Anyway, I am actually going to study now since I been here for 2 hours doing nothing but reading old blog posts from the people I follow...sorry for not leaving comments! I have been so busy all I have been able to do lately is scan through the posts I see now. But I hope everyone is doing well. I think everything will be okay by the grace of God. I am praying for that. When I come back, there will be a less depressing tone I promise.
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