February 27, 2013

Update - Yeah it's a lot...

I am sorry for the lack of posts blah blah blah okay now that we're past that, I know that it seems like a lot of people I follow have been going through some tough times. Just thought I'd let them know that they are not alone at all as I too am experiencing a lot of different struggles of my own. Allow me to explain what has been going on with me these past few weeks. 

A little over a month ago I started my semester at UTD after graduating with my Associates last semester however, it has been far from easy or exciting for that matter. I'm only taking 2 courses right now but I am struggling so badly and it's sad because going from doing so well one semester to doing so poorly kills my self-esteem. It doesn't help that all of my classmates are fucking geniuses. I guarantee you that if you walked the same places I have around campus, you will find the common conversations between the students here always involve chemistry, biological or mathematical topics. Not saying they're bad people, I just feel extremely out of place to put it simply as the semester continues. I feel highly inadequate to others because it seems their background on sciences far surpasses mine. The likelihood of me being poorly prepared to start university is seeming more and more higher...or at least at this one considering everyone calls this school the geek univeristy of the metroplex. I'm thinking UNT might have been a better option for me but then again who really knows. Maybe being a bio major isn't the right choice. I talked to my sister about it and she asked me if I felt excited to take any classes for my prereqs and I honestly am not. I just want to skip all this and go straight to grad school but I know that is not going to ever be the case. I gotta also admit that this might have a lot to do with my lack of motivation for academic achievement right now than anything else because I know I can do better than what I have been doing but I just don't put in much effort. Like right now as I type this post I should be studying but I'm not. If I don't major in science, I honestly don't know where else to go. I blog and have a Youtube channel but that's about it. I don't possess any real talent like some people do so I am a bit worried about my future right now.

Another thing is I have been feeling rather disconnected with the gal in general. I said this briefly in another post a while back about how I didn't want to fully submit myself to being just gal but now I am becoming more and more certain of it. It could be because of a few things but I can't really explain it without confusing you, but it just doesn't seem to be of a top priority anymore and it's been like that for a while. I mean I always am into the fashion and inspired by elements that make up a gal like make up, hair, nails, etc but to be committed to that one style to where people refer to me as a gal I just don't know anymore if that's what I want. I honestly am considering quitting the BGC to just focus on myself more too because I really don't think the viewers on that channel appreciate my videos from what I have observed so there's no point in uploading there anymore when no one cares. Oh well, I tried to bring support to where I thought was needed but if the targeted audience does not acknowledge that then there's not much I can do. I just do not give a fuck anymore tbh. I love all of the members, just not the idea of being apart of it like I was. They'll do fine without me I'm sure.

If you follow me on my tumblr then you may have guessed that there's been some trouble in paradise. Kevin and I were having a really rough time in our relationship recently. He's had this job for the past 7-8 months now but they have been scheduling him to come in every single day for the last 4 weeks and it killed me because rarely did I get to see him and he had no time for himself. He helps to pay the bills, so that's why he works so much but still...It's tough going from seeing your boyfriend once to twice a week to maybe once every 2 weeks if you're lucky. It's not even so much that as to how much I know he would rather not have to work all the time. Even though we both started going to UTD together, we don't see each other for long the days we have classes because after class he has to go to work. Anyway, I was that nagging girlfriend for a long time because of it and I'm sure it made him annoyed but I did it out of my concern for him as I later explained. We were supposed to go see a dragon dance for CNY but that didn't happen because he had to work. We were supposed to go on a nice boat ride for Valentines night but we missed it because his job let him off too late. After that, we did nothing but stay quietly frustrated at the situation till I finally went home. I just wanted to spend time with him and although he bought me roses, a teddy bear, and a pearl necklace, I would have rather just been with him more than anything else. He literally could have just given me the card and that would have done it for my valentines day. Seriously, I'm good as long as I'm with him but he missed that point entirely because of work. We had a heavy talk over the phone the same night and I never cried so much over him or any guy for that matter but I think I got through to him on just how serious my point was. We were also supposed to see each other on several different occasions but it never followed through because of his fucking job. I was told by my best friend, mom and sister that I should be patient and more understanding and will probably hear the same shit from more people but if you have ever loved Kevin the way I have, you will understand where I am coming from. If not, then it doesn't surprise me that they are making it seem so simple to do. There's more to the story than I am mentioning but let's not add more length to this post than there already is. He finally says that his schedule is changing and I kind of believe him since we got to spend most of the day with each other on Monday because of it so maybe things are looking up. Time will tell, but I don't want you guys to think we're on the brink of ending it. It's just an obstacle that we had to overcome together I suppose...it was a tough son of a bitch but we are almost coming out of it okay I believe. 

Lastly, my laptop has been acting funky as of late. I sent it to the shop on Monday and it should be done by tomorrow to be fixed. I have to re-install all of my software because I am sure they are going to do a system restore on it :/ I did back up my files luckily though to my external hard drive so when I get it back I will try to edit my hair video and a few other vids I have in store. I also went shopping the other day to buy prizes for the contest I will be hosting soon. It's going to be so fucking fun but I just need to get this school work thing situated first before anything else. I can't afford to fail. Anyway, I am actually going to study now since I been here for 2 hours doing nothing but reading old blog posts from the people I follow...sorry for not leaving comments! I have been so busy all I have been able to do lately is scan through the posts I see now. But I hope everyone is doing well. I think everything will be okay by the grace of God. I am praying for that. When I come back, there will be a less depressing tone I promise.

CHECK OUT NEW VIDEO ! ! !

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36 comments :

  1. I know how you feel about the gal thing, same for school and be (I'm in a long distance relationship) but I'm going to speak more about gal because this tablet is hard to type on. This is glee btw.

    I'm not sure my videos the same with my pictures are appreciated so I'll just expand my choices. There are so many other styles I can try, though goth is my main I love to do makeup and explore. I guess we both can explore and share our journey, you even got me thinking of a blog post myself. My mother even recommend me to do a makeup course and join with my cousin who does celebrities hair. Idk but the gyaru community is not that strong and looking at gals that went on their own like roseshock, and there is another on tumblr, they experiment and expand to their own style. So I'm with you on this

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    1. I never herd of roseshock before but I just looked her up and omg I love her style, I am already following her on her blogspot now, thanks for the recommendation. Yeah I mean, gal will always be around but as for it being my one true style I can't say that it really is as of this moment. Idk...could just be the minor depression talking but still. I can't put my all in something I have already given up on to an extent. It's good to know someone can relate with me on this.

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  2. Really sorry about the down times you've been having recently. I can totally relate to you right now, its absolutely insane. I'm in Uni right now too, and its killing my self esteem being in my bio class and seeing how easy it is to some others, and how much of a struggle it is for me. And my home life right now doesn't help in the situation as well. I'm hoping with enough determination, i'll get through these tough times. And I hope you do as well. ^^ You can do it! I know it!! :D

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    1. Thank you Hana dear, I will be okay it's just been one of those series of events that makes life seem pretty shitty but I know it could be far worse than it is. I hope you make it in your school work, biology can be fun but depending on your prof it can be quite challenging too like it is for me right now. I really hope everything works out for you. I wish you luck!

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  3. Awh no, I'm sorry to hear about all of your troubles and things ;_; <33333333 Hope it all works out soon! <3

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    1. It's okay Lizzie thanks for your concern. I am hopeful that it will :) Trying to stay optimistic here.

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  4. Damn girl, that sounds really rough. I know you will get through it though. As far as Gal is concerned. Everyone says it's a lifestyle, but it doesn't really have to be. Don't be afraid to explore other things that aren't necessarily Gal. Yes there are young girls and women who can live, and breathe the style everyday, but not everyone. Even if you tone it down, just make it work for you. Wish you the best girl. :3

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    1. You're right Isis :) I know I shouldn't, sometimes I feel like a lot of people expect me to be gal so I am a bit hesitant to venture out to try something new but screw it all I'm just going to go for it at this point. Thanks for the encouragement!

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  5. Sounds like you went through a difficult time. My boyfriend and I have almost correlating schedules, and I still don't see him often. But if you guys can make it through that, then you're definitely in love. It's how you handle tough situations that shows how much you're willing to make it work.

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    1. I feel the same way about that, it's always good to hear that there's hope so thank you and I wish you and your boyfriend the best in your situation as well.

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  6. I really really reaally feel you in the gal thing, i have the same problem and i even talked to my parents about this, gal is awesome and i think it will always have that small space in my heart but do i want to do it forever? Do i want to stick to only one style for the rest of my life? I doubt it....
    I also feel the same way about the youtube thing, but if it helps..i love your videos! i enjoy watching them, even tho i sometimes am too lazy try a look from tutorial or something, but i love watching them!
    I feel like i can relate to you with especially the school thing but my problem is that, i know i can do it, i have the inner nerd in me but i am just too lazy to try, because as long as i dont fail, everything is ok, instead of thinking about getting the highest scores. Stay positive the person you are and i am sure things will workout for you! <3 <3 <3

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    1. Aww *pats back* I guess sometimes some gals may occasionally go through that, but it's been like this for a few good solid MONTHS now and you know that's not a good sign. Thanks a lot Celeste sweetie! Yes, you put those words quite well about the school thing. It's tough but I am going to pick myself back up over and over again till I make it out of this semester half way alive. It's a struggle though. I appreciate you're kind words, I hope everything works out for you and your troubles.

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  7. Omg crystal. :( I didn't know you were going through all of this. I'm close to tears right now because I can 110% relate to how you feel about Kevin because it's the exact same situation for me. My fiance works 12 days in a row from 3pm to 11:30pm, and he only gets 4 days off each month, 2 for one weekend and the other 2 for the next. Before this job he worked 5am and got off at 1pm, so we would have the entire day together most times. Its killing me, for Vday we did nothing but work. And if I have days off during the week I never get to spend them with him. So I know how you feel!! It's good that his schedule is changing, my fiance is going to have to find an entirely new job. :( It would cause he and I to argue a lot too, but you just have to keep telling yourself that it's not always going to be this way. That's what's keeping me going. Sorry for the retardedly long comment but I just wanted to give some encouragement. Stay strong! <3

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    1. Omg noooo don't tell me that TAT I'm going to start crying, you and your boyfriend are simply adorable I hate to hear that this is happening to you guys too :c I know, you're totally right but man...it is tough! I never realized how difficult legit relationships were until I got in this one but working through it is all we can do. I hope you guys work it out and your bf finds a better job that has a schedule that will be best for him as well as the both of you. Your words were really needed, I thank you for sharing your experience with me cuz omg...haha I need someone who understands right now so bad to tell me what to do!! I almost felt like pulling my hair out at one point XD

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  8. I think this is the first time i've come across your blog. I kind understand what you mean but I think gal/gyaru is really just a fashion. If you like it wear it! If it makes you happy then do it! If not, wear whatever you like. Just have fun^^ What is BGC? And also, i think you're rocking the gyaru look so well!

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    1. Thank you sweetheart and yeah a lot of people have made that into a debate several times. I can see where both sides are coming from but ultimately, being so involved in the gyaru as a whole can be exhausting especially since I went into it really wanting to be gal most days out of the week but that has not happened because of how stressful it can get considering the classes I am taking :/ Thank you for the compliment my dear! You look like a great one yourself in that profile pic of yours! oh and BGC is the Black Gyaru Channel on YouTube I helped run with a few other gals.

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  9. Awww man, it all sounds really rough and I hear you on the uni side of things :/ The sciences are difficult as it is and trying to understand everything when they keep shoving more stuff in your face is hard, not to mention how a lot of the students in them have an almost pretentious attitude thinking they're oh-so-smart and whatnot, it can be quite frustrating. I believe in you though!!! Pull through somehow, Crystal fighting!! ^^ Anyways, good luck and I hope everything goes to good places! ><

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    1. ikr?! Hell...I can't take a nap without thinking of all the new material I just covered and that's just from one days worth of lecture notes. I ultimately just want to be happy...and right now that's a way's away from what I am. You are so right though about the students having those snooty attitudes, it makes me want to smack them so bad! I talked to Kevin about it and he's encouraging me to push forward so we will try and study together from now on. At least it's a step, right? Haha thanks for your encouragement darling!

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  10. I'm replying late, but I hope everything works out for you. I know how you feel about the gal thing, I never fully got into it like I wanted, but then I found out I was much happier with Ulzzang fashion, but I love gal makeup and just a mixture of things. Ultimately I decided against trying to be gal and decided to just do as I felt that day. There's nothing wrong with trying different things and you don't have to be set in one style. Even if you stopped being gal I'd still read your blog and watch your youtube videos and look at your outfits. I'm not very good with advice on relationships, but all I can say is if it's what you want then work for it. Don't give up unless you feel that's what's best. You guys make a cute couple and you're right that this is a test. If you can get through this bit of absence then it only gets better once it's over. Lastly, thanks for the video! I can't wait to watch it, I'll have to check it out this weekend. Have a great weekend and I'm sure things will get better. :] <3

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    1. No, thank you for watching it and I hope you have a great weekend as well sweetie. I can see myself being a girl who switches up their fashion without loosing their own style over time but knowing what makes me who I am is what I really need to work on. I am becoming older so it'd be great to find what is really my own identity, you know? Anyway, I hope I don't loose many followers during this journey but it honestly won't be too far from what I have already tested out. Might dabble a bit more into pastel goth honestly, a lot of people thought that suited me really well. Or do a few different looks that I never even thought of, who knows. I just want to feel like I am not doing it for the sake of doing it anymore. Thanks a lot for your advice Alexy...me and Kevin I'm sure will make it out alright.

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  11. I've been thinking the same thing about the BGC, also my makeup style has expanded a lot but idk, I've dedicated so much.to being gal, it's just really tough to live the lifestyle everyday in the "real world" lol I hope everything get better for you though !<3

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    1. If I were in the streets of Shibuya, that would not even be a question. I'd be gal all day errday but realistically speaking it's tough especially since I have barely many gal pals here as support so my desire to be gal has slowly dwindled into nothingness but that doesn't mean I still won't throw on a badass kuro gal coord or what have you, I just won't call myself a gal. Period. I am me :) I honestly think that sounds a lot better imo. But I am in no way knocking those who want to be gal though.

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  12. I'm very sorry to hear about all things you've been going through. I can relate to you on your relationship and career frustrations. I am in a LDR and my bf works in retail, so it can be heard to synchronize Skype dates and that's if my internet works in China. I can really understand your frustation over the amount of time you get to see Kevin, and you're not asking for too much. I just recently came back from vacation and I lived with my bf the whole time and saw him a lot. It was so hard for me to come back and experience the opposite. I remember you telling me on tumblr that I had your support in trying new styles and blogging. You really inspired me to talk more about my experiences. I just wanted you to know that I support you on this. I am sending warm thoughts to you from China! Good luck, and I hope things fall into place quickly!

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words and thoughtfulness darling :) At times like these I really could use them. I hope this changes for both of us very soon and things go back to the way they used to be. I honestly wish you the best in your style which ever it may be and hope you end up happy doing it too!

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  13. I understand how you feel when it comes to Gal fashion and Uni. I was so into the style my senior year of high school up to last semester but now that I'm about to get my associates I've taken the lifestyle portion of Gal out. It's not practical for me right now and even though I love it dearly, I've decided to bum it out this semester & relax when it comes to Gal.

    I have to say that I've been a bit less stressed out when it comes to getting dressed in the morning or doing my hair and if I feel like going all out I do, but it doesn't feel like a requirement for me to show my face outside anymore. I'm happy, not so moody, and I enjoy and appreciate Gal so much more when I do practice the style.

    Also went through the same thing you're going through in college but if you really want that career then you've gotta push through it or consider a different one. There's no way I can sugar coat it and I really don't want too because I respect you as a fellow adult/college student. Considering changing my major or double majoring now, to be honest.

    I think that you should take a break from Gal, focus on Uni, and focus on your relationship for this semester just so you can see.

    I do wish you and Kevin nothing but happiness and I know that everything is going to work in your favor. :)

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    1. Honestly as crazy as this might sound I am also feeling like not doing gal as much because I have had outdated contacts for over a year that have been hell wearing out. Luckily though that is all going to change as I am finally stepping up as an adult and am finally paying for my own medical expenses. Thank God for my job, honestly otherwise I couldn't have done it. Yeah, right now I have put gal and other personal hobbies of mine aside to focus on school but it's still a struggle sadly so I am just feeling pretty saddened by it all honestly. Time will tell how things pan out I suppose but right now I am thinking it's safe to say Kevin and I are already doing a little bit better as far as me being able to see him more often so there's that :) Thanks a lot for your response!

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  14. Keep your head up :) When times like this happen it only means bright skies are on the other side. You can't have joy without pain and vice versa. College is a tough time and I know because I am going through the same thing, and love... I can't even relate because I can't even break through the friendship door. All I know is you and Kevin are blessed to have one another and in order to have something as good as you have it requires constant work as you probably already know. Everything will be fine, I'm sure of it :-)

    P.S. anything else you feel you can't put your heart into at this point in your life I don't believe you should have it on your plate. It's just a waste of time and energy when you could be putting that energy into other more important things.

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    1. I love your advice especially with how you put it. You are absolutely right...I need to sort out my priorities. I am just scared of failing at doing whatever makes me most passionate, you know? But it's worth a shot. Thank you so much!

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  15. Gosh Crystal, you're handling so much right now =/
    Because of my choice of major, I figured that I'd have some feelings of inferiority and thought I'd be prepared for it, but hearing how you're feeling is making me kind of scared T_T. I'm not sure that changing your major is what you really want. I mean, you said you'd like to skip undergrad and go straight to grad school, so it sounds like it's a field you're interested in. I don't really know that it's appropriate for me to give advice considering that I've never been in a situation like this, but it kind of sounds like you need some time to just catch up with yourself. Going to the spa for a day isn't what I mean; this kind of thing is nice while you're there, but then when you return to the middle of everything it hits you all over again.

    Know this: YOU OWE US NOTHING. Sure, some people might be a little whiny if you take a break from making videos and blogging, but feeling at ease with your life is so much more important than that. If you feel like you need a break, take it! You deserve it. Don't stress yourself out over something that will probably be a thing of the past in a few years. Now is the time that you're building your life for the future, and making it through as smoothly as possible will be much more rewarding.

    My only real suggestion for school is to make a friend in each class who understands the material very well, and try to study with him/her from now on :). This is how I've managed to make my math classes tolerable for the last two years, and it's been a fantastic help for me. Just make sure that you find someone really patient and understanding.

    As for the Kevin thing, it would be super ultra mega inappropriate to say anything here, as I've never had a boyfriend. All I can say is that I hope his work becomes a little less intense and that you can spend more time together soon =/. I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this on top of all of your other stress.

    I really hope things get better for you :)
    I'm not sure if I've said this before, but if I haven't, the following statement may be a little creepy.

    You've been my inspiration forEVER. Well....for a really long time (ever since Udoli). It's a little heartbreaking to see you under so much stress T_T.

    Take a break, get some rest, and take control Crystal >:)

    Things won't stay bad forever ^^<3

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    1. Pearl, you are absolutely refreshing! Thank you so much and yes, you're right. I actually just made about 3 new friends for both of my classes so it seems like they will be a huge help to me for the remainder of the semester. I really could use the extra help plus they are all pretty nice and understand the material better than I do so it seems like this was a really good idea, I wish I figured that out sooner but at least I know now.

      I will take it a day at a time. I think this was just one of those moments where everything seems to be crumbling apart but it was only temporary. Or maybe just a foreshadowing of what may happen if I don't change the way I have been doing things with my life. Either way I will definitely take what you said seriously and apply it to my life. Thank you so much again and please don't feel sorry, this is not your fault. I appreciate your concern as a friend and I'm always grateful to have your support :)

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  16. Aw. I hope things get better Crystal! and I'm sorry you had to put up with so much drama in the BGC, I feel like that a lot too but I do it for me more so than for that comm anymore. I wanna just kinda keep to myself and blog and stuff now. Become less active in the community at the moment.

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    1. Yes, most of the girls on there are super sweet and will forever be my friends but I just need to take time away from the online affairs in the gal comm till I am certain that a new style is really what I want to do. & ty Yumi!~

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  17. I feel so bad for reading this so late but I def understand how you're feeling about gal. I've been feeling like that for some time. Like, I just can't commit. Especially with the BGC. I'm def inspired by onee forever and always but I just can't be one of those people who live it. I can incorporate it into my style and makeup and I have but I just can't take it all entirely. I hope you can really move past everything and it all goes well. I understand how you feel about school too. I felt like that all last semester and it sucked hard for me so I can't tell you what to do except for what you think is right. I believe everything will pick up for you! <3

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    1. Thank you sweetie pie :) It seems like something is going to have to change as far as my schooling is concerned. It's the one thing that hasn't progressed into something better than the previously mentioned status of it sadly and this really concerns me. I am praying that everything works out alright.

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